When The Love Of Your Life Leaves…

Growing up I knew that death was something that could happen and it was inevitable. So in August of 2015, I had no idea that I would be hurting as bad as I did when “Boots” died. Boots was not just a mother, grandmother, friend, aunt, sister, cousin, she was the love of my life. My grandmother Robbie L. Dixon stood only about 5’7 in height and I can’t ever remember her being more than a true size 12 all of my life. She ruled our house with what she called a “soap bone” which just so happened to be her small fist. She was the prayer warrior, the fixer, the nurse, the doctor, the lawyer, the confidant, you name it and she was it. All with a third (3^rd) grade education, she was exceptionally smart and knew a lot more than most people would have thought. She always told me that life had brought many different people from all walks of life into her space and she welcomed them all because each of them taught her something.

They say pain is weakness leaving the body but my question now is how weak was I for my grandmother? This hurts like I have never felt or had pain before.

So when I found her unconscious on July 10, 2015 I moved as normal in an emergency situation to care for her and get her to the hospital. I didn’t think much of this illness I looked at it as a normal sickness that she had faced and conquered previous times to this one. However, on August 5, 2015 when I walked into the rehabilitation care facility and I looked for her but did not instantly recognize her my heart literally dropped to my feet and that was the very moment that I realized she was indeed 92 years old. Everything about her physical wellness for me had changed in that very instant. I realized that this hospital stay was not the same as all the rest. At that moment looking at her I knew she wouldn’t beat this one. I had not lost my faith nor had I given up hope but I just knew as if God himself dropped that nugget of information to me letting me know that His preparation for her was almost done. In that moment I recognized that she was just like the other seniors I had visited on Thanksgiving and Christmas at the senior centers, and all of the homeless seniors I fed at the shelters. My Boots was old. I was crushed and completely broken. So when she said her final “I Love you too” to me on August 9, 2015, I knew that it would not be long before her savior called her home. On August 10, 2015 my world changed and will never be the same again.

As much as I thought that I was prepared for her departure I wasn’t. I knew I didn’t want her to suffer and I also knew that I wanted her to be at peace. So I masked my selfishness of wanting her to live under the thoughts and ideas of her needing to leave so that she would not be in anymore pain.  I wanted her to stay, I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it.  I had done everything and I do mean everything with and for my grandmother. She kept my secrets, she held my hand, I even walked across two graduation stages not because I was happy for my accomplishments but because it made her proud. I could not fathom not seeing her face daily and laughing until our belly’s ached at something on TV or from inside jokes we shared. I needed her daily affirmations about my life from her lips to my ears. I wanted no I needed her to stay.

I didn’t cry much not because I couldn’t but because I really wasn’t allowed to. From ensuring that everyone else around me was okay to breaking down in tears and it being interrupted by friends and family members who wanted to ensure that I was okay. I never got a chance to truly grieve. I understand that grief comes in five stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They also say that these stages that build the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are the tools that help us to frame and identify what we may be feeling. But what do you do when you don’t know what to feel? Or even how you feel? It has been almost six (6) months and I know that I miss her immensely. I know that I was angry at one point, angry that I picked up the phone called her from my “Favorites” contact list and the phone was disconnected, angry that I want to hear her voice and I can’t, angry that she left me to fend for myself and she has always taken care of me even when people thought I was just taking care of her. Angry that I lost my best friend, angry that the love of my life was gone, just plain old angry. I realized I was becoming isolated because of my anger too, I stayed away from family and friends, I self-evaluated and I evaluated those around me as well. I realized that some of those relationships that I just expected to step up for me were nowhere to be found but those that I hadn’t even thought of clearly made themselves visible and felt.

Although death is the final chapter in life, it takes people away from the madness of this world and leaves those of us left behind to wonder how do I get over this, how do I move on, how will I be okay. Even though I am extremely happy for her and her being able to be at peace with no more pain, the question still remains. “What do you do when the love of your live leaves?”